People - Please note!
The following new computer viruses have been detected in or around
the country. Please be alert for them.
AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Paul Revere Virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.
Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
Right to Life Virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counsellor about possible alternatives.
Abortion Rights Virus: Deletes a file before it can be copied to the disk.
George W. Bush Virus: Promises to save your disk, then once installed, does what all of the other viruses tell it to do and ignores its installer.
Dick Cheney Virus: Runs invisibly in the background controlling everything else on the computer.
George Bush Virus: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs ... no new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files.
Ross Perot Virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole dam thing quits.
Mario Cuomo Virus: It would be a great virus, but refuses to run.
Ted Turner Virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus: Terminates and stays resident ...
It'll be back
Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
New World Order Virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Federal Beaucrat Virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
Gallup Virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38% of their data 14% of the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error.)
Texas Virus: Makes sure it's bigger than any other file.
Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Airline Virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Freudian Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
PBS Virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
Liberal Thinktank Virus: Proves that your data is corrupt, but the harddrive won't recognize it.
Conservative Thinktank Virus: Pretends to be a liberal thinktank virus.
Elvis Virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, the self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across America.
Ollie North Virus: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
Nike Virus: Just does it.
Sears Virus: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.
Jimmy Hoffa Virus: Your programs can never be found again.
Congressional Virus#2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
Kevorkian Virus: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
Imelda Marcos Virus: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all of expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
Star Trek Virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
Health Care Virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
Cleveland Indians Virus: Makes your Pentium II perform like a 486/50.
Chicago Cubs Virus: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.
Political & Virus Jokes
Bill Gate's Hurricane Prevention
Washington Post's Best
All Puns Intended
Temperature is Relative - Iowa
My favorite humor writer, Patricia Draznin